Thank God we are continuing the noble battle against gay marriage. We’re like brave knights for ensuring that these bans pass, protecting the sanctity of marriage.
For you see boys and girls, regardless of whether it happens with someone you have cared deeply for for many years in a chapel after years of careful planning, or with that fat bitch from the bar after one to many whiskeys, by an Elvis impersonator in a drive-thru that smells of piss, or even to your back up dancer ofter a rough night in Vegas, marriage is a a sacred union between only a man and a woman.
Firstly, because it was decreed by God, on his desert scribbled-scrolls that have been roughly translated and re-translated that to this day we argue over which one is the true word of God. Fuck New King James! But more importantly because a two men cannot reproduce. It is important that we reproduce with the opposite sex so that not only can our family names can continue, but so that we can continue to populate the world, spreading democracy and industry until the only plants we can find are the adorable little plastic ones we keep in the corner of our offices to brighten up our soul-numbing jobs.
And be sure that you should all be glad homosexuals can’t reproduce! A child can only properly understand life when living with both a mother and father figure. Alas, with two men, who would teach a daughter to cook, and with two women, which would teach a son how to use tools properly! Two people of the same gender could never properly raise a child, and they would properly make the child gay as well! It’s an abominable thought that we even let them adopt. I’d much rather a child go home with a proper mother and father. There’s a reason we’d let a father who drinks and beats his wife, and a mother who smokes crack and is out on the street prostituting rather than being at home with the child have so many second chances before we take the child, and the reason is at least they aren’t gay.”
And one can only assume that the situation would only escalate from there to absolute pandemonium. People marrying inanimate objects, pets, children, the dead. Even though you actually must be physcially capable of signing the marriage license. And admittedly, you must be 18 to GET married in most states, which may ward off some of the pedophiles wanting to marry children. BUT IT CAN ONLY BE SO LONG UNTIL THEY INVENT A TOASTER CAPABLE OF BOTH SIGNING A MARRIAGE LICENSE AND SAYING, “I do.”
And for those of you who continue to fight for gay marriage, heed my warnings. The plagues will begin and the fires will burn, blood will rain from the sky and the earth will crack in half, the locusts will swarm, and mammoth will be freed from his icy tomb, sprout wings and fly, and he will rain fire and lasers down upon us, and the dark lord will rise… again… cause it’s Obama. And when you are freed from the hell on earth by the sweet caress of death, you will stand before the gates of heaven, only for God to judge you as part of the generation who allowed the abomination of homosexuals to have a piece of paper recognizing their union, and you will feel the floor drop beneath your feet and begin your long descent into the TRUE Hell.
Have a nice day.
This is funny for sure, but it seems kind of dickish of the Presbyterian church to be putting right up on it’s sign that God wont save dogs because they have no souls. What if some kid’s puppy just died…?
I never reblog this type of shit, and honestly I didn’t plan on starting to, but just for kicks I searched my birthday up.
I was not a person, but I was Iron Maiden’s Fear of the Dark tour. Ain’t that somethin’.
So you killed the Bruce Dickinson era of Iron Maiden. Fucking Blaze Bayley…
That said I was either Jack Gilford or Sir Rex Harrison, two actors I never heard of, but one was also a knight.
So there I was, thinking about my doorbell, when this octopus was like, “I have no friends.” So I was all, “who the fuck are you? Fuck you!” So he killed my goat, and I was was like MOTHERRR-!! So I put my hands around his throat and yelled, “WHADDYA MEAN I CANT GET TO WORK ON TIME!!” And he was like, “I’M NOT A FISH, I’M A MAN.”
| — | Chris (via scooter11875) |
Ok, so we all know by the mid-2000’s MTV-Music Television-wasn’t playing music videos anymore. So they made MTV2 for music videos. Now it don’t play music videos anymore. … TLC-The Learning Channel- plays Little People Big World, What Not To Wear, and Extreme Couponing. A&E-you know, art and entertainment- is having an all day First 48 marathon. The History Channel is currently into Ax Men and Swamp People. H2-the channel the History Channel made so they could use the history channel for Ice Road Truckers-is now for MonsterQuest and Ancient Aliens. On the Discovery Channel, we’re discovering American Chopper. Bio-Biography-is showing ghost story shows, Paranormal State, and… Flip This House
…ok, I can go with that a little. I like Dog the Bounty Hunter now and then, Extreme Couponing and Toddlers in Tiaras has that “Can’t stop watching a train wreck” factor. Ancient Aliens is lol. But am I the only one who actually would LIKE to learn something off tv now and then…?
Any of the holy trinity of metal (in the name of the Bruce, the Halford, and the Holy Dio, Amen.) or Tony Kakko. Failing that, the one I could later sue for the most money claiming rape.
It’s come to my attention that Io haven’t posted on this in forever. So.I really don’t know how to follow up on that. Especially cause I have like 3 followers. But I’m eating Teriyaki Jerky and coke.
I guess some of the random shit I’ve said today?
“I know he says “number 9 of 11 little litter mates,’ but I hear ‘Meter maids’ every time.” - On Sonata Arctica’s The Vice.
“Oh my god. I get it. Her head is an apple. And it’s bit. And rotting. It’s an homage to ‘Rotten Apple Head’ from Evil Dead II.” - On the album cover to Sonata Arctica’s Stones Grow Her Name.
“Michael Angelo painted the Sistine Chapel. But he hated it, and only did it for the cash. ‘Cause the thought that painting was for fags, and instead wanted to do manly things. Like sculpt naked men with small genitalia.” - On Art History
“What the hell, did your jerky queef?” - on jerky making sounds it shouldn’t make.
